Lance Armstrong: Unforgivable

Tomorrow night, at 2am UK time, Lance Armstrong will launch a heavily-funded PR campaign to repair his sporting reputation and (more importantly) commercial stock by shedding a wallet-felt tear or two in response to some very gentle questions from an interviewer with no specialist knowledge or expertise.

Exclusive: Lance Armstrong's rider for that Oprah interview

We don't know precisely what he's going to say, but it's not hard to guess.  He'll admit to having used one or more performance-enhancing substances (probably EPO), but might stop short of disclosing the full collection of skeletons in his pharmacy-sized medicine cabinet.  He'll say that he started doping because that was the only way he could possibly compete at the top level of international cycling, as most other big names were doping too.  He might say that he felt he had to continue doping because his charity Livestrong proved so successful in raising funds for cancer research and support, and the only way to maintain its public profile was to keep winning at all costs.  He might say that he couldn't admit his actions sooner because that would have destroyed Livestrong's work.  Finally, he might even say that the UCI (cycling's governing body) was complicit in the ubiquity of doping in professional cycling because it knew what was happening and actively took steps to conceal his involvement to take advantage of the sport's increased popularity.

There are certainly a few carefully concealed kernels of truth lurking in those points.  Most of Armstrong's main rivals - Jan Ullrich, Joseba Beloki, Alex Zülle, Marco Pantani, Alexandre Vinokourov, Ivan Basso and others - have since tested positive or admitted doping.  And some of the witnesses who testified in the US Anti Doping Agency (USADA)'s inquiry provided evidence which implicates the UCI in helping Armstrong to cover his tracks.

Assuming that Armstrong takes this approach, then, should we forgive his actions and move on without any further recriminations?  No.  Here's why.

1.  He probably still won't admit the full extent of his cheating.  Even if he admits taking EPO, that still leaves cortisone, human growth hormone and testosterone.  According to testimony provided to USADA by former teammate Frankie Andreu and his wife Betsy, they both heard Armstrong tell doctors treating him for cancer in Indianapolis in 1996 that he'd already taken all those substances.  There's also credible evidence from several sources that he engaged in systematic blood doping.   Armstrong's lawyers have repeatedly claimed that he underwent 500-600 tests during his career without returning a positive test, but this is nonsense.  First, UCI and USADA figures show that he was only subjected to 275 tests.  Second, evidence presented to USADA appears to show that he tested positive several times - for corticosteroids at the 1999 Tour, for EPO at the Tour of Switzerland in 2001 (according to former teammates Floyd Landis and Tyler Hamilton), for EPO when six urine tests provided in 1999 were reexamined using new tests in 2005, and for blood doping when 38 samples provided between 2009 and 2011 were reexamined by USADA.

2.  He probably still won't name names - or, at least, not all the names.  Armstrong's friend Dr Michele Ferrari has still not admitted any involvement, despite strong evidence presented to USADA that he ran the doping program at Armstrong's team (US Postal).  According to USADA, examples of his methods include administering saline injections to fool blood tests for EPO and blood doping, and using hypoxic chambers and other measures to boost natural production of EPO and thereby throw off the ratios by which synthetic injections of EPO can be identified through testing.  USADA charged him in July 2012 with administration and trafficking of prohibited substances and issued a lifetime ban from professional sport, though the effectiveness of this ban outside their jurisdiction remains to be seen.  If Armstrong claims to be trying to clean up the sport, he needs to start being less selective in identifying the culprits - regardless of their staunch support for his lies.

3.  Not being the only cheat doesn't excuse cheating.  There were some clean riders on the professional circuit while Armstrong was winning the Tour.  Perhaps they would have achieved better results had Armstrong (and others) not chosen to cheat.  Perhaps riders arriving later on the circuit would have been better placed to resist peer pressure and ride clean had Armstrong not dominated the sport with tainted performances - it's been reported by at least one rider that this pressure came from Armstrong himself.  The fact that his rivals were also cheating does not mean Armstrong beat them on a level playing field - it just means he was able to deploy greater financial resources to gain an additional advantage from "better" doping.

4.  He's accrued substantial personal gains from cheating.  Armstrong built a false reputation as the greatest road cyclist of all time, and milked it for every cent he could get.  He's estimated to have a personal fortune in excess of $100m.  This was partly gained and ruthlessly protected by Armstrong's army of lawyers and commercial backers.  He'd previously declared an intention to leverage his do-gooding and seek election to public office.  He wasn't cheating to help fellow cancer patients - he was cheating to help Lance Armstrong.  Hiding behind Livestrong just won't cut it.

5.  He tried to destroy three-time Tour de France champion Greg LeMond.  In 2001, LeMond was quoted in a Sunday Times article as saying he was "disappointed" by Armstrong's association with Dr Ferrari.  Frankie Andreu testified to having heard Armstrong threaten to ruin LeMond once he became aware of the article.  LeMond says Armstrong called him and threatened to find ten of LeMond's former teammates who'd testify that LeMond used EPO.  LeMond's wife Kathy has said that one teammate was offered $300,000 to do this, but refused the offer.  A month after that article, a retraction from LeMond was published - Kathy has said this was issued by bike manufacturer Trek, who at that time produced a range of bikes branded with LeMond's name as well as supplying Armstrong's team.  Armstrong owes LeMond an apology, which he probably won't give.

"Let me do drugs or you will get cancer!"

6.  He tried to destroy US Postal team masseuse Emma O'Reilly.  O'Reilly came forward in 2004 as part of a book about Armstrong and US Postal called LA Confidential, and has since told her full story in an affidavit submitted to USADA.  At the 1999 Tour de France (Armstrong's first victory), it's now accepted that Armstrong tested positive for corticosteroids and was excused by the UCI and the organisers on the basis of prescription use for treating saddle sores.  O'Reilly's evidence states that she was present in the room with US Postal's team doctors and Armstrong when they decided to concoct this flimsy defence by fabricating a backdated prescription.  She has also said that she was routinely asked to collect and deliver performance-enhancing drugs as part of her job.   Armstrong's response was to publicly refer to O'Reilly as "a prostitute with a drinking problem".  He sued O'Reilly, the authors of LA Confidential, its publishers and the Sunday Times (who'd printed extracts from the book).  The Sunday Times paid $1.5m in damages to Armstrong, which they are now considering trying to recover.  It's been reported that the other claims were mostly withdrawn or settled by Armstrong's lawyers at the last possible moment, with the presumed intent of causing the maximum possible damage to the reputations of his accusers without having to prove anything and serving as a deterrent for other witnesses.  Armstrong owes O'Reilly an apology and compensation, which he probably won't give.

7.  He tried to destroy Frankie and Betsy Andreu.  We've already mentioned the Andreus' evidence regarding Armstrong's hospital confession.  This was only made public in 2006, when they were called upon to give evidence in a contract dispute between Armstrong and a sponsor who'd withheld a bonus payment. Armstrong's response was to throw the Andreus under the US Postal team bus.  A recent Telegraph article quoted an email dated 15 December 2003 and submitted to USADA in which Armstrong had told Frankie that "By helping to bring me down is not going to help y’alls situation at all.  There is a direct link to all of our success here.  I suggest you remind her of that [sic]".  Armstrong's evidence in the 2006 dispute stated (as the New York Times noted in 2006) that Betsy had given this evidence because "she hates me", and Frankie had confirmed her account "to back up his old lady".  He's reported to have publicly denounced Betsy as "fat and ugly".  He told Sports Illustrated in 2007 that Betsy's evidence was "motivated by bitterness, jealousy and hatred".  In a Guardian interview in 2007, he said: "Betsy blogs 24 hours a day about me. If that ain't sick, what is?"  According to the New York Daily News, Armstrong's key contact at Oakley left 27 threatening voicemails for the Andreus in a single evening, featuring tactfully-crafted gems such as “I hope somebody breaks a baseball bat over your head”, and “I also hope that one day you have adversity in your life and you have some type of tragedy that will definitely make an impact on you".  Armstrong's line has always been that the Andreus' evidence was motivated by US Postal not renewing his contract in 2000 - but (a) Andreu's departure was triggered by his refusal to keep using EPO, (b) an email submitted to USADA shows Armstrong asking Andreu to consider coming back to the team in 2001, and (c) the Andreus and Armstrongs continued to travel around Europe together in 2002.  It's nigh-on impossible to disagree with USADA's verdict that "[t]his evidence provides a strong indication that Armstrong intentionally vilified a longtime friend and his friend’s wife merely to protect himself".  Armstrong owes the Andreus an apology and compensation, which he probably won't give.

8.  He tried to destroy other former teammates.  After agreeing to testify and admitting his own drug use, Tyler Hamilton published a book about doping in cycling in 2011 - according to Hamilton, Armstrong responded by accosting him at a restaurant and saying "When you’re on the witness stand, we are going to fucking tear you apart.  You are going to look like a fucking idiot.  I’m going to make your life a living fucking hell".  Floyd Landis has confessed to using EPO, assisted the authorities and initiated a civil claim against Armstrong for defrauding the US Postal Service - Armstrong is fighting the claim and has referred to Landis as "desperate for attention and money".  When Levi Leipheimer confessed to using EPO and agreed to testify, Armstrong texted his wife Odessa for the first time in several years with the three words "run don't walk", which the Leipheimers understandably interpreted as a veiled threat designed to procure their silence.  Other former teammates such as George Hincapie, Jonathan Vaughters and Filippo Simeoni received similar treatment according to USADA.  Several riders have speculated that they were turned down for better jobs due to Armstrong's pervasive influence.  Armstrong owes apologies to all these riders and several more besides, but he probably won't give any.

9.  He tried to make six-figure payments to the governing bodies which were responsible for drug testing.  In 2002, Armstrong is reported to have made a payment of at least $100,000 to the UCI - purportedly to pay for their purchase of a piece of anti-doping equipment called a Sysmex machine, though the UCI has not been able to clarify where all the money went.  It's worth noting - also in 2002 - that the UCI arranged for Armstrong and US Postal team boss Johan Bruyneel to meet Martial Saugy, the director of laboratory in Lausanne which carried out the UCI's doping tests. USADA head honcho Travis Tygart says Saugy told him that he gave Bruyneel and Armstrong a thorough explanation of the testing methods for tracing synthetic EPO at that meeting, having been instructed to do so by the UCI - though Saugy now disputes this.  According to the evidence presented to USADA by Landis and Hamilton, the meeting happened shortly after Armstrong told them he had returned a positive test for EPO at the Tour of Switzerland and reassured them that this wouldn't matter because the UCI would take care of it - the implication of the evidence reported by USADA being that the UCI not only covered up the positive test result, but tried to make sure that US Postal would be better placed to avoid positive tests in future.  In 2004, Tygart says USADA quickly refused to accept a similar offer of $250,000 from Armstrong on the basis that they recognised a clear conflict of interest.  It's rumoured that Armstrong is considering agreeing to testify against the UCI - if Armstrong decides to take the UCI down with him (which would create a serious threat to cycling's inclusion in the Olympics), he at least needs to admit that he offered these payments and explain his reasons for doing so.

10.  He's chosen to be interviewed by Oprah rather than finally giving honest evidence under oath.  If Armstrong has suddenly experienced an epiphany and is now desperately seeking to clean up his act and the sport he claims to love, why did he choose Oprah to conduct the first "honest" interview of his career?  It's the equivalent of Tony Blair appearing on Richard & Judy.  When you've got plenty more to hide, choose a mainstream interviewer with no specialist knowledge and admit just enough to fool them into sympathising - it's probably worth a whole chapter in Crisis Management For Dummies (which really should exist).

So don't be fooled into thinking that Lance Armstrong is a crusading knight in shining armour riding to cycling's rescue.  He has cynically and remorselessly tried to destroy the lives and reputations of those who were brave enough to tell the truth about him before the tide turned.  He has not chosen to come clean of his own volition; rather, he has been backed into a corner by the overwhelming weight of publicly available evidence that he is a cheat and a liar.  Even at this stage, he will choose to admit only the bare minimum that his advisers believe is necessary to protect his commercial interests.  He hasn't earned your compassion or forgiveness and nothing he'll say on this campaign broadcast will change that, so join us in treating him and his crocodile tears with the contempt they so richly deserve.

Melky Cabrera tests positive for stupidity

One of the dilemmas facing any serious professional athlete is "how should I respond when I inevitably test positive for performance-enhancing drugs?" Several tried and tested approaches are available to today's discerning cheats. We like to imagine them perusing a menu along the lines of Pulp Fiction's 50s diner.

First on the list is the depressingly unpopular 'David Millar': admit the offence straight away, accept the sanctions and become an unsanctimonious advocate for clean sport. Picture them rolling their eyes at his naïvety as they skip straight to the 'Carl Lewis': convince your country's feckless governing body that your three positive tests and those of your training partners should be ignored because they were all caused by over-the-counter cold medication, then profit from other cheats being properly punished (though this might be a little outdated now, as it famously didn't work for Alain Baxter in 2002). Those seeking a contemporary twist might therefore be tempted by the 'Alberto Contador' (or simply 'lo de siempre', as it's known among Spanish cyclists): blame contaminated meat and maintain your innocence while persuading your country's governing body to backdate the required ban to allow a quicker return to competition. Mature rich athletes seem to favour the quick and painless 'Manny Ramirez': simply run away (without paying) and retire to avoid any further sanctions. Recreational users, on the other hand, are rather partial to the flamboyant and fruitful 'Richard Gasquet': claim that you only ingested the drug by kissing someone at a party and get off scot free. Finally, there's always the 'Lance Armstrong' twelve-course bullshit banquet: allegedly manufacture a retrospective therapeutic use exemption after a first positive test, allegedly pay your sport's governing body to cover up a second positive test, slag off French cycling to discredit further positive tests from frozen samples, retire twice and switch sports, claim the anti-doping authorities are biased when most of your former teammates, coaches and doctors agree to testify against you, refuse to offer any defence in an 'unfair' forum and flounce off into the Texan sunset relying on credulous wristband cult acolytes to preserve a reputation built on lies while you try to pursue your laughable political ambitions. We imagine most self-respecting athletes would be put off by the health warning attached to that last option: it may prove difficult to swallow, and could take up to 13 years to fully digest.

Needless to say we thought we'd seen it all, but one cheat wasn't happy to follow the well-trodden path of his unscrupulous predecessors: he decided to order 'off menu', as it were. Step forward San Francisco Giants outfielder and forward-thinking doping pioneer Melky Cabrera. 

"Kids: drink milk, take drugs"

Cabrera was traded from the Kansas City Royals to the Giants over the winter. He'd played poorly for the Royals, but 'the Melkman' started to deliver with his new team and quickly established his position as the cream of their line-up. The improvement in his production was stunning - he compiled a ridiculous 51 hits in May alone, breaking Willie Mays' Giants record for that month which had stood for 54 years. Cabrera's batting average of .346 for the season still leads the Major Leagues today. This form saw him picked for the National League All-Star team in July and he won the All-Star Game MVP award by hitting the only home run that night.

On 15 August, to the surprise of absolutely no-one, Cabrera tested positive for an elevated level of testosterone. We're pretty devastated that creatine wasn't his drug of choice, as we'd love to have called him a creative creatine cretin. Even more incidentally, it's worth noting that he was only suspended for 50 games (or roughly two months of regular season baseball) by Major League Baseball under its ludicrously lenient rules, whereas the World Anti-Doping Agency best practice model recommends at least a two-year ban.

So what was Cabrera's response (via his agents) to his positive test? Did they confess his sins and meekly accept the proposed sanction?

No. They bought a website for $10,000 and redesigned it to look like it belonged to a fictitious supplier from whom Cabrera could claim to have bought a made-up supplement spiked with testosterone, so they could appeal his ban on the grounds that he had ingested the substance inadvertently.

While this might seem so stupid as to be a subconscious plea for more severe punishment, we can't help but applaud Team Cabrera's willingness to go the extra mile. Unfortunately, the entire ruse was scuppered within hours when MLB's investigators found that the site's hosting linked straight back to an employee of Cabrera's agents. That employee has since been banned by MLB, but no further sanctions have been levied against either Cabrera or his agents. It's almost as if the administrators were impressed by the scale of the scheme; as if they were handing out style points for artistic impression.

When it comes dodging a drugs ban and keeping yourself in the batter's box, it seems you might as well think outside the box. If nothing else, we salute Melky Cabrera for his ham-fisted accomplishments in light entertainment. A career in vaudeville awaits when his contract expires in November.

Paralympic heroes #5 and #6: Iliesa Delana and Łukasz Mamczarz

In Monday's F42 high jump final, Iliesa Delana and Łukasz Mamczarz cleared 1.74m to earn gold and bronze medals for Fiji and Poland. They each have one leg, and they each cleared the bar by hopping up and somersaulting over it. They won their medals competing against two-legged athletes with equivalent disabilities.

No textbook technique; no bouncy prosthetics. Fuck you Dick Fosbury, and the flop you flopped in on.

F42 is the most severe class of non-visual disability where the high jump is contested. The staggering world record of 1.96m belongs to Canadian legend Arnold Boldt, who also only has one leg and won high jump golds at five consecutive Paralympics (not to mention two more golds and a silver in the long jump). Click here to see Arnie somersault over 1.85m - all the more impressive because he managed to keep his glasses on!

The F42 high jump is absolutely captivating and puts its able-bodied equivalent in the shade - if you missed it, Channel 4's highlights are available here, and we've included some wobbly footage of Delana's winning jump at the bottom of this post. It's completely redefined our frame of reference to the point where we couldn't care less how high able-bodied athletes can jump any more: one-legged somersaulting is where it's at. So change the Olympic programme! Reset the records! Burn effigies of Javier Sotomayor's tibias! Perhaps that's going a touch far, but let's at least give these guys the acclaim and attention they so richly deserve.

Paralympic hero #4: David Wetherill

A British Class 6 table tennis player ranked fifth in the world underperformed and was knocked out in the second round at the Paralympics.

Nothing much to shout about there, you might think. So far, so British. And you'd be right, if David Wetherill hadn't managed to produce THE BEST SHOT EVER IN ANY RACQUET SPORT in the process of losing the decisive fourth game. If you think we're exaggerating, consider this: when was the last time you saw officials and opposing coaches applauding a player during a match? As one-hit wonders go, he's the Joe Dolce of ping pong; the Norman Greenbaum of wiff waff.

Much as we'd love to eulogise, we won't spoil the shot for you just in case you haven't already seen it. Once you've taken a moment to prepare your mind for a good old-fashioned boggling, click play below and get ready to catch your jaw when it drops.

Paralympic hero #3: Matt Stutzman

On paper, Matt Stutzman comes across as a dyed-in-the-flannel redneck. The official London 2012 website lists his hobbies as "cars", and by all accounts he loves nothing (or perhaps more accurately nothin') more than huntin', shootin' and fishin'. His personal website looks like a cry for help from a kidnapped designer circa 1999. He's from Iowa, for crying (cryin') out loud. It's fair to say we weren't expecting - or even expectin' - to be friends.

Then we saw him win a silver medal in compound archery by gripping a bow between his prehensile toes and aiming arrows with his mouth. You see, Matt Stutzman is a double arm amputee. And just like the swimmers we mentioned in our last post, he's competing against and beating rivals with arms, despite only having picked up a bow for the first time two years ago. So while he might be mostly armless, he's positively lethal to bullseyes and bunny rabbits. We just hope he isn't familiar with the plot of the Jonathan Creek pilot…

Sadly we couldn't find any footage of him in action at the Paralympics, but we do rather like the below interview conducted as part of Team USA's preparations for the Games. It starts a little slowly, but don't be deterred by his riveting tales of hole-punch debris and doorknobs - the slow-motion shots capturing his technique are spectacular. By the time he delivers his inspirational closing message, we're sure you'll want to join us in cheering him all the way to gold in Rio.

Paralympic heroes #1 and #2: Zheng Tao and Iaroslav Semenenko

We hate swimming backstroke. It seems unnecessarily awkward and splashy, you can't see where you're going and the timing is tricky.

We have four limbs. With apologies to ZZ Top, we just don't know how to use them.

Double arm amputees Zheng Tao and Iaroslav Semenenko finished first and fourth in the men's S6 100m backstroke final on Thursday evening, competing against swimmers with more limbs whose equivalent disabilities still allowed them to use a much more recognisable backstroke technique. Zheng also broke the world record.

It's well worth checking out the whole race below, despite Barcelona breaststroke bronze medallist Nick Gillingham's discordantly soporific commentary. Zheng is in lane 5, Semenenko in lane 3. Do keep a sympathetic eye on Semenenko as he battles bravely for bronze against a German swimmer whose arms give him a clear advantage at the finish line.

Just thinking about the incredible core strength and balance required to overcome their handicap in this event, not to mention the dedication and tenacity that brought them here, is pretty overwhelming. Zheng and Semenenko's achievements will stick with us as one of the enduring images of London 2012.

The Sporting Owl #7

The seventh podcast from The Sporting Owl is packed with a preponderance of Paralympics ponderings. After bidding a fond farewell to Andrew Strauss, Tom and Ria guide you through some of the exciting events and superstar athletes to watch out for at the BIGGEST PARALYMPICS EVER!

Paralympics sports for dummies, by dummies

We at Owl Towers are looking forward to the forthcoming Paralympics for a veritable plethora of reasons, but primarily because we'll get to feast our beady eyes on some sports we're less familiar with. For those as uneducated as we are, we thought we'd do the public service of providing you with a guide to Paralympics-only sports in ten words or fewer.

BOCCIA - like bowls, teams or individuals throw balls at a jack.

FOOTBALL (FIVE-A-SIDE) - visually-impaired teams in blindfolds try to score. Crowd silent.

FOOTBALL (SEVEN-A-SIDE) - players have cerebral palsy. Teams comprised of varying disability classifications.

GOALBALL - like handball, with visually-impaired teams in blindfolds. Crowd silent.

POWERLIFTING - competitors classified by weight, try to bench-press heaviest barbell.

SITTING VOLLEYBALL - body part between bum and shoulder touches court during shot.

WHEELCHAIR BASKETBALL - five-a-side, must throw/bounce ball after two pushes of wheelchair.

WHEELCHAIR FENCING - wheelchairs fastened to platform, competitors fence foil, sabre or epee.

WHEELCHAIR RUGBY - Murderball. Players must pass/score a try in ten seconds.

WHEELCHAIR TENNIS - Same as tennis, but ball can bounce twice, not once.

If you fancy a more in-depth guide detailing every sport in the Paralympics, check out the Guardian's very informative article here.  Once you've done that, you can make yourself sound like a true expert by boning up on the potential stars of the Games, making you an asset to any Opening Ceremony party.

Wiltshire town renames 200 residents 'Ed McKeever' to commemorate kayak gold

Bradford on Avon was once a Roman settlement and wealthy hotbed of wool production, but (perhaps due to school history funding cuts) is now best known as the home town of Britain's Olympic 200m kayak sprint gold medallist Ed McKeever. To celebrate his achievement, The Sporting Owl can exclusively reveal that the town has renamed 200 residents 'Ed McKeever' through a compulsory lottery.

As town councillor and tourism panjandrum Jonquil Bluffton-Herring explains, "We heard about Keshorn Walcott and his lighthouse over in Trinidad and we thought it pretty much kicked the shit out of Ed's obligatory gold postbox, if you'll pardon my English. But we don't have a lighthouse what with not being on the coast and all (though our canals are delightful and well worth a family visit), so we spent the last fortnight locked in our imposing 14th century tithe barn (open all year round; free entry for the under-8s and infirm) trying to come up with an alternative. We ruled out our historic Saxon church and grade I listed town bridge (fishing permits available at very reasonable rates) straight away because, well, let's face it, and with all due respect to Ed, kayaking in a straight line on a flat lake is barely a real sport and it's almost as boring to watch as he is to talk to. We thought a level crossing or disused quarry might be about right, but it turns out we named the last of those after local rugby flop Phil de Glanville in 2006. Anyway, having run out of landmarks, we decided that the best and coincidentally cheapest way to honour Ed would be to change 200 residents' names to Ed McKeever by deed poll - one for each metre he paddled."

Definitely not the Ed McKeever Bridge

Local historian Ed McKeever (formerly Xerxes Smith) agrees. "I'm sure I'm not just being characteristically pompous and presumptuous when I say on behalf of the entire town that we all feel very proud that Ed calls Bradford on Avon his home. To be perfectly honest this has saved my career by giving me something to write about - literally nothing has happened here since popular beat combo Jesus Jones formed in 1988. So if changing our names shows Ed just how much we care, then it's the very least we can do for our inspiring Olympic hero. And if any initial confusion results from more than 2% of the population now being called Ed McKeever, that's a small price to pay. Just ask lottery winners Ed and Ed McKeever and their delighted children Ed, Ed, Ed, Ed and Ed McKeever (though perhaps not their somewhat less ecstatic and rather confused sibling Jenny Williams)."

As the saying goes in Bradford on Avon, "under the fish and over the water" - perhaps a reference to the Great Troutstorm Rebellion of 1638, but almost certainly a very neat way to finish this report if we knew what it was supposed to mean.

The Sporting Owl #6

Episode 6 of the Sporting Owl takes place in the abyss between Olympics and Paralympics and features a searing riposte on Lance 'drugface' Armstrong, a review of the cake-based crazy golf extravaganza currently occupying the roof of Selfridges, and Ria's debut in the men's 110m hurdles. As you do, if you're a terribly unfit woman.