Wiltshire town renames 200 residents 'Ed McKeever' to commemorate kayak gold

Bradford on Avon was once a Roman settlement and wealthy hotbed of wool production, but (perhaps due to school history funding cuts) is now best known as the home town of Britain's Olympic 200m kayak sprint gold medallist Ed McKeever. To celebrate his achievement, The Sporting Owl can exclusively reveal that the town has renamed 200 residents 'Ed McKeever' through a compulsory lottery.

As town councillor and tourism panjandrum Jonquil Bluffton-Herring explains, "We heard about Keshorn Walcott and his lighthouse over in Trinidad and we thought it pretty much kicked the shit out of Ed's obligatory gold postbox, if you'll pardon my English. But we don't have a lighthouse what with not being on the coast and all (though our canals are delightful and well worth a family visit), so we spent the last fortnight locked in our imposing 14th century tithe barn (open all year round; free entry for the under-8s and infirm) trying to come up with an alternative. We ruled out our historic Saxon church and grade I listed town bridge (fishing permits available at very reasonable rates) straight away because, well, let's face it, and with all due respect to Ed, kayaking in a straight line on a flat lake is barely a real sport and it's almost as boring to watch as he is to talk to. We thought a level crossing or disused quarry might be about right, but it turns out we named the last of those after local rugby flop Phil de Glanville in 2006. Anyway, having run out of landmarks, we decided that the best and coincidentally cheapest way to honour Ed would be to change 200 residents' names to Ed McKeever by deed poll - one for each metre he paddled."

Definitely not the Ed McKeever Bridge

Local historian Ed McKeever (formerly Xerxes Smith) agrees. "I'm sure I'm not just being characteristically pompous and presumptuous when I say on behalf of the entire town that we all feel very proud that Ed calls Bradford on Avon his home. To be perfectly honest this has saved my career by giving me something to write about - literally nothing has happened here since popular beat combo Jesus Jones formed in 1988. So if changing our names shows Ed just how much we care, then it's the very least we can do for our inspiring Olympic hero. And if any initial confusion results from more than 2% of the population now being called Ed McKeever, that's a small price to pay. Just ask lottery winners Ed and Ed McKeever and their delighted children Ed, Ed, Ed, Ed and Ed McKeever (though perhaps not their somewhat less ecstatic and rather confused sibling Jenny Williams)."

As the saying goes in Bradford on Avon, "under the fish and over the water" - perhaps a reference to the Great Troutstorm Rebellion of 1638, but almost certainly a very neat way to finish this report if we knew what it was supposed to mean.

The BBC Olympics team: part 2 of our report cards

Yes, it's that time again - time to rate or slate another 10 members of the BBC's formidable team of London 2012 commentators, presenters and analysts. Time, in other words, to preserve the pretence that the Games never ended and protect our rapidly dwindling reserves of post-apocOlympic sanity.

You can still find our first 10 report cards here. If you feel we've made any glaring omissions or desperately want to defend your favourites, do let us know on Twitter or Facebook.

Huw Edwards - F (14%). Less gravit, more ass. Decided that awe-inspiring opening ceremony would best be experienced through filter of half-witted third-hand quarter-baked knobservations. Reading news better than Fiona Bruce about as impressive as competing at high jump without a bar. Contractual obligation to deploy authoritative Welshman should only be fulfilled by Bryn Terfel in future

Rishi Persad - F (11%). What is he for? The Guy Goma of sports broadcasting. Not waving but drowning. Seems desperate to crack his way into horsey fraternity; would be well advised to review their racist entry criteria more carefully, or at least arrange to have teeth surgically enlarged to boost his chances. Brings nothing to the party; just stands in the kitchen accidentally pissing people off by drinking their wine. Time to stage an awkward intervention and book him a one-way taxi to regional news

Hazel Irvine - C (58%). Tries painfully hard to be jovial, but does seem to give at least a scintilla of a shit. Easy to ignore as every word instantly disappears into a infinite void of irrelevance; like protozoa farting into a hurricane. Evening job as cartoon squirrel lookalike could only enhance credibility. Couldn't pick her out of a line-up; may have escaped punishment for countless crimes in Scotland

Hazel Irvine's Day Off: not coming to any cinemas, ever

Michael Johnson - A (97%). Comfortably the best analyst around. Calm, composed and insightful. Talks effortlessly about own incredible achievements without sounding smug or having to downplay them. Strangely squashed face but competence makes it easy to overlook his obvious resemblance to an animatronic allosaurus. Why he works on public sector rations rather than for deep-pocketed American broadcasters might just be the great mystery of the age

Manish Bhasin - E (28%). Proficient autocue reader and fluent in frothy insight-free sportspeak. Seems justifiably confused by career path; looks ready to run on being unmasked as knowledge vacuum. Labouring under misapprehension that varying tone can conceal absence of content. Spends most evenings sitting at home surrounded by fluorescent lights and stapling unwary moths to the walls of his beige bedsit. The Banish Bhasin campaign starts here and is far too neatly named to fail

Ian Thorpe - A (84%). Only docked points for being too good to be true. His failure to qualify enhanced rather than detracting from the Games. Baffling denial of sexuality only makes him more intriguing. Slightly disappointing to see him away from a desk, disproving compelling merman theory. A pleasure to experience Australia's unceremonious splashdown from pool predominance through his withering gaze

Denise Lewis - C (49%). Career based on beating a mediocre field at one competition doesn't come close to justifying unfettered superiority complex. Still, as heptathletes go, at least she's not world-renowned manipulative sulk Kelly Sotherton. Maniacal celebratory dancing certainly some compensation. Best remembered for trying and failing to get Mile End tube station renamed 'Mile End Park', so perhaps better employed as misleading advertising guru

Colin Jackson - D (33%). Great athlete, terrible broadcaster. The least he could do is chuck in the odd bit of dancing. All too easy to imagine him running out of fingers when called on to provide expert analysis of 400m hurdles stride patterns. Seems a thoroughly nice guy destined for slow death in light entertainment or unimaginative clairvoyance

Eddie Butler - D (43%). Did quite a good job of not ruining archery, though could not conceal desolation at absence of Brian Moore. Would prefer to be a slam poet judging by overwrought contributions to montagefest - confirmed by requirement for roll-necks and French cigarettes on now-legendary rider. Fervently believes that Welshmen evolved from dragons; tours principality lighting farts at well-attended functions to prove his point, and now spends most spare time lobbying Nobel committee for recognition

Steve Redgrave - E (23%). The more we see him out of a boat, the less we like him - should be cast adrift with crate of insulin and chocolate bars until he agrees to improve (reality TV gold). Unapologetically advocates cheating and fosters all-consuming irrational hatred for entire nation of Niger. Unconvincing mask of humility well and truly shattered. Predictably demanding and difficult off screen - refuses to sit down unless Matthew Pinsent stays directly behind him spritzing him with salty spittle

An owl's-eye view of the London 2012 men's marathon

In a desperate attempt to cling onto the last dying embers of the Olympic flame, Owl Towers despatched a correspondent to the men's marathon route on the final morning of the 2012 games. Firstly, a big 'hell yes' to the organisers for creating a course of three laps instead of one huge route, thereby enabling viewers to see the runners pass multiple times. We'd travelled a whopping 1.3 miles and spent a bankrupting £0 to catch a glimpse of this event, so we wanted to get our money's worth.

Motivated by a hatred of West London and a suspicion that that way huge crowds lay, coupled with chronic laziness (it was a Sleepday Sunday morning, after all) we aimed to watch the athletes pass at Bank, the 5/13/21 mile mark. Dear readers, this decision paid off bountifully, as we emerged from the Underground to bag a spot on the second row for the first lap, and progressed to the very front when those in front of us left following the passage of the final athlete on his initial circuit.

It was a hot August day; uncomfortable weather for owls and distance runners alike. Undoubtedly this took a greater toll on some athletes than others, as 20 of the 105 starters dropped out at various points throughout the race.

The day's heroes were two athletes in particular: the winner, a young man from Uganda called Stephen Kiprotich who beat two Kenyans into silver and bronze, claiming his country's only medal (and their first gold since 1972) and enabling them to finish joint 50th in the medal table, and the man who finished last, Tsepo Ramonene of Lesotho. He could have given up, but strove to finish despite finishing 10 minutes behind the bloke in front of him and 47 behind the winner. Let's just remember that he still completed a marathon in under three hours AND his personal best is nearly 40 minutes faster than he ran this particular race. This owl got tired just watching the athletes run.

On that note, here's a video of Tsepo approaching the finish line. He may not have won the marathon, but he definitely takes home The Sporting Owl's award for 'Admirable Completion of a Race When Everyone Else Had Gone Home'. Congrats, Tsepo. You've done Lesotho proud.

Pool's gold: time for change in Olympic swimming

We know you'll find this hard to believe, but it turns out that owls aren't ideally designed for swimming. We're keen to dive in, but our feathers get all wet, the goggles never fit and we always find ourselves crowded by creepy crawlers and flashy splashy butterflies.

Nevertheless, we're huge fans of watching swimming from a safe distance, and an Olympic pool never fails to produce plenty of enjoyable action and memorable moments. But there's a problem, and we think it's become a pretty big one. The sheer number of similar swimming events makes it far easier for a world-beating swimmer to collect multiple Olympic medals than a world-beating athlete in any other sport.

To illustrate our point, we've cropped together the below table from London 2012 website data to show the most successful athletes at the Games listed by the number of medals they won.

As you can see, 29 athletes across all Olympic sports won three or more medals and almost two-thirds of these (19) were swimmers. With a personal haul of four, Russian gymnast Alina Mustafina was the only non-swimmer to win more than three medals. The five most successful athletes at the Games were all swimmers and won 26 medals between them, 14 of which were gold. This is not simply a case of one or two swimmers compiling legendary careers and sweeping all before them - there are dozens of multiple medallists in swimming. We couldn't find equivalent data for previous Games, but this certainly isn't a new phenomenon.

We aren't claiming that it's easy to win swimming medals. Nor are we trying to undermine the achievements of Phelps, Lochte, Franklin and Spitz. Those athletes are great Olympians and swimming is a very competitive and gruelling sport. However, it's important to put their medal collections into context, and we can safely say that any of those athletes would have won far fewer medals had they been equally dominant in any other sport.

To some extent, that's a situation which can't be changed - some sports such as sailing or rowing simply don't afford scope for any athlete to compete for more than one medal at each Olympics. And even if those sports are disregarded, swimming's governing bodies would maintain that there is no problem to fix, on the basis that their champions garner greater coverage, become bigger legends and give the sport a higher profile by breaking prominent records. We disagree for the same reason. The disproportionate bias in swimming's favour is not fair to athletes in other sports.

One option for redressing the balance would be to cut events from the swimming programme. This approach has been taken with other sports - we've mentioned before that the most prestigious events in track cycling have been cut from the Olympics. Swimming would argue that they already have fewer events at the Olympics than at their world championships, with (for example) 50m races in breaststroke, backstroke and butterfly being omitted - though again the same is true for other sports. For different reasons, we agree that cutting events would not be the best approach. Swimming is arguably the second most important Olympic sport behind athletics, both in terms of participation and revenue. Reducing its role might open the door for another modern sport to infiltrate the Games (such as the painfully incongruous BMX), and would represent a move away from the traditional ideals of the Olympics. And, dropping the analysis ball for a second, we enjoy watching it all far too much to start picking favourites. So there.

A better alternative might be to restrict the number of events in which any one swimmer can participate. This could be configured in several different ways - for example, a swimmer could be limited to any five events, or to four individual events and one relay. We think this would place swimming on an equal footing with other Olympic sports. As things stand, an exceptional athlete could only realistically win four medals on the track at one Olympics, but Michael Phelps has shown that an exceptional swimmer can win up to eight medals in the pool. Most multiple swimming medallists will have competed in two or perhaps even three relays where their contribution to a team's success is often minimal, so there's certainly a case for trying to skew participation towards individual events as part of the exercise.

Is any such change likely to happen? Well, no. Not even slightly. American sponsors control the purse strings of the IOC, and American swimmers rule the pool - four of those top five London 2012 athletes mentioned above are American swimmers. Either of the above options would seriously jeopardise America's position at the top of the medal table. So perhaps it's more accurate to say that we're probably stuck with the status quo until either (a) other countries become better than America at swimming, or (b) companies from other countries contribute more to funding the Olympics. Despite these obstacles, we very much hope that athletes from other sports will be able to compete on a level playing field with their wetter teammates sooner rather than later.

Countdown to Rio: your cure for post-Olympics depression

If like us you're struggling to come to terms with the untimely demise of London 2012, you might consider expensive grief counselling.  Or there's always retail therapy, if you're desperate enough to pay SIX POUNDS for a commemorative pin badge.

On the other hand, you could just bookmark our handy countdown clock and keep checking back for the next four years...

The Sporting Owl #5

With Ria away, Tom had to step into the breach and fill thirty-plus minutes with sub-par Olympic waffling.  Did he manage without bursting into floods of tears?  Well, you be the judge (but a very nice fluffy judge who won't tell us if it was borderline unlistenable).

As well as the usual news round-up and a necessarily one-sided game, this episode features reports on our trips to the boxing quarterfinals and a gloriously masochistic eight-hour "morning" session at the Olympic Stadium.

The BBC Olympics team: part 1 of our report cards

It might just be painfully obvious that we've loved every minute of the Olympics, and that's due in no small part to the superb coverage provided by the BBC. Special praise must be reserved for the hundreds of thousands of staff in their world-beating montage department, who've accumulated more exposure to saccharine schmaltz and Eddie Butler than can possibly be safe. All in the name of making people cry with laser-like precision. They have our undying gratitude. Not that we're undead, but… you know. It's a phrase. No-one likes a zombie owl: we get that now, and we've fired those marketing consultants.

Anyway, all things considered, they've done a fabulous job. But our screens and ears (and for the purposes of the rest of this sentence, our figurative fruit bowls) have still been infested with a veritable Tesco Value multipack of bad apples. For every Clare Balding, there's been a Trevor Nelson. Without further ado, here's the first instalment of our report cards on the presenters and commentators we've been subjected to over the past few weeks.

John Inverdale - F (8%). Competent at talking, but what does that achieve when each successive word annoys the bejeezus out of everyone? Smug beyond measure or reason; the personification of a smirk. Does not react appropriately in presence of greatness. Career makes strong case that BBC hiring criteria may begin and end at looking under nearest stone. Mentions own dead-end amateur rugby career far too often. Rarely presents behind a desk these days, perhaps due to discovery of his fondness for touching himself. Adopts editorial line of not giving a flying fuck about achievements of foreigners - nothing has happened until it happens to a Brit. Owns several pith helmets and might have missed vocation as well-funded but ultimately unsuccessful 18th century explorer.

Gary Lineker - F (12%). Cannot pronounce words with mouth. In English, at least - success with other languages as yet untested. Guttural utterances betray fundamental inability to understand sport or people. Based on apparent lack of interest or research, motive for branching out beyond football may be to defile Russian gymnasts. Reads scripted puns like a man trying to unlock a door with a watermelon: he'll get there, but only by throwing it through the window and leaving someone else to clean up the glass. Might be better suited to a role requiring him to deal only with potato-based snacks or inappropriate bowel movements.

Sue Barker - E (27%). Wimbledon yes, Jubilee yes. Anything with an audience beyond landed gentry with life-threatening brain injuries, not so much. Looks and dresses suspiciously like a pekinese - her fake human name should have been better disguised. Upgraded by one mark due to GoCompare mercy killing, though despite having a one-word script she even managed to make that boring. A Question Of Sport akin to being smothered inefficiently with a soiled knock-off cashmere blanket.

Matt Baker - D (43%). Jack-off of all trades now turning his hand to churning out vague gymnastics commentary while usurped experts scrabble around mopping up his slimy trails of bullshit. Smooth like a GI Joe; probably lacks genitalia but no realistic danger of anyone ever trying to find out. Maintains the pretence of having a family by hiring actors and mentioning them too much. Career progressing as if he's been nailed to an unmanned galleon heading inexorably toward wrecking on the rocks of the Antiques Roadshow.

Gabby Logan - E (19%). Failed gymnast and dancer on fast-track to completing career hat-trick. Presents like a golem - shuts down as soon as one unscripted word is called for and always slightly too late in trying to cover with inane laughter. Two unattractive personalities fighting over controls of a nosediving spaceship and rattling around like scared woodlice in an empty bucket. At least the live broadcast experiment seems to be over. Spinning incompetence as light-heartedness might not work forever.

Clare Balding - A (99.4%). Docked an arbitrary 0.6% for ingrained belief that dressage is a justifiable Olympic sport. Otherwise perfect. Intelligent, articulate, interested, passionate: asks sensible questions, enhances viewing experience, not just another identikit media studies graduate. Must be given precedence over her inferior colleagues in future, or BBC may lose her to successful career as owner of intellectual property rights to infectious celebration poses. Would welcome return of skilled ventriloquism act with wooden dummy Willie Carson back on her knee.

Mishal Husain - C (54%). Bland but comprehensible. Distant and cold, but interesting to get her planet's take on unfolding events. Lack of documentary evidence to the contrary suggests she was created in a laboratory three weeks ago. Reports suggest she fades into wallpaper rather than ever leaving studio - somewhat disturbing, but popular with colleagues as declining population of nearby insects cannot be a coincidence.

Trevor Nelson - F (7%). Played golf with a footballer once and sometimes wears hats so seemed ideally suited to put epoch-defining opening ceremony into proper context. Three weeks later, found standing on Haringey street corners offering to name producers of mid-90s R&B hits for pocket change, and still seems out of his depth. Possible route to redemption as grotesque carnival sideshow on MOTD2, but only if used by Machiavellian producer to undermine football's suffocating ubiquity from within.

Jake Humphrey - B (76%). He might not look telegenic or sound remotely interesting, but may yet overcome both handicaps. Listens to guests and reacts unprompted. Uses height to ably apply BBC house style of looking down on everyone. We're taken aback by his sudden improvement: surprisingly wide range of Chinese swimming contacts, so use of performance-enhancing drugs cannot be ruled out. Travels widely - ostensibly to cover fast cars, but cocaine smuggling another possibility. High tolerance for Eddie Jordan an obvious character flaw.

Garry Richardson - F (2%). Unfeasibly pompous. Ends far too many questions with "please" in mistaken belief that this is polite rather than its polar opposite. Dismissive and patronising. Cold, dead eyes; incapable of experiencing or conveying human emotion. Arrogance most likely derived from having killed. Known to arrange offsite interviews in attempt to control subjects' lives and bend them to his will. Sign on dressing room door apparently reads "The Puppetmaster". Query: syphilitic megalomaniac? Impossible to imagine him doing everyday tasks. May need to be forcibly withdrawn from circulation for safety of others.

Pending legal clearance, parts two and three should follow shortly. In the meantime, do let us know if there's anyone else you think deserves to be subjected to the withering scrutiny of our swivelling eyes.

Olympics round-up: a few highlights you might have missed

As you might have spotted, the Owl has been terribly busy flitting back and forth to Olympic events over the past few days. Nevertheless, we've kept our swivelling eyes open and picked out a few highlights from London 2012 that you might have missed. If you're struggling to pay attention to the men's 50km mince this morning, these might just keep you going.

Men's high jump - Ivan Ukhov loses his lycra shirt, has to take his next jump in a loose-fitting training t-shirt to avoid being disqualified, still clears the bar and goes on to take gold by a huge margin. How on earth do you manage to lose your kit while wearing it? We can only conclude that this was a subliminal ad for his travelling magic show. Tip for next time, Ivan: set the bar alight and juggle rabbits around it.

Women's 800m - Merve Aydin pulls up injured in her heat but hobbles home to finish the race. She's the new Derek Redmond. And she didn't even need to get THE PATRIARCHY to help her...

Men's 400m hurdles - Felix Sanchez comfortably takes gold for the Dominican Republic despite poor recent form, feigns macho nonchalance at the finish line and completely loses it on the podium. If high-amplitude lip wobbling ever takes its rightful place at the Olympics, he's a shoo-in for gold. We're sorry that the BBC has chosen to upload a clip which (a) is completely ruined by John Inverdale spraying his industrial-grade bullshit all over it and (b) doesn't show the full range of aesthetic elements incorporated into Sanchez's lachrymose routine, but hey - that's intellectual property law!

Men's BMX - to be perfectly honest, we think BMX should stick to the X Games and You've Been Framed. As if to prove our point, here's a passably smirk-inducing clip where some people fall over. Jeremy Beadle must be excitedly writing a cheque for £250 in his grave.

Men's discus - Robert Harting decided to celebrate by putting in an early bid for decathlon gold in Rio. We'll forgive him for using women's hurdles because we're so impressed that he can even lift his colossal legs off the ground.

Finally, we couldn't resist including one highlight that no-one in the world was allowed to miss. Usain Bolt stole a camera from a Swedish journalist and started taking photos of his medal-winning teammates. And everything else. Proof positive that the best way to get the media's attention is to make them part of the story. With apologies to your pretentiously-filtered self-important boundlessly-irrelevant Instagram outpourings, you can find the world's most popular holiday snaps here.

I had an absolute [hand]ball!

Hi, Ria here, with a special Olympic report on handball.  I'll be honest.  Before we applied for tickets many moons ago, I was as familiar with the sport of handball as I am with the concept of choosing to get up early: I know some people do it, but I lack any personal understanding or experience.  But the Olympics is all about embracing the sports we Brits consider obscure, so prior to visiting the Copper Box, I did a bit of homework, skim-read the rules and watched a bit of YouTube handball action.  It looked like a cross between netball, football and boxing, which appealed to my multiple personalities.




The Copper Box (sadly, not constructed entirely of 1p and 2p pieces) was an excellent venue - there were very few empty multicoloured seats and the crowd were the right kind of rowdy.  With the exception of the Norwegians occupying the bulk of one tier along the side and sizeable patches of Swedes, there were a lot of Brits, who I imagine were also feeling the trepidation that comes with spending a significant amount of money on a sport you've never seen before.

We need not have worried, because it was fricking amazing.  Handball is the new BEST THING EVER.  We watched Brazil's women take on Montenegro, followed by a thrilling Scandinavian derby as Norway met Sweden.  For those as unfamiliar with handball as I was pre-Olympics (because I'm obviously an expert now), here's how it works: it's a game of two 30 minute halves, in which the aim is to score as many goals as possible.  Turns out in handball, that's a LOT of goals.  Brazil beat Montenegro 27-25, whilst Norway managed to defeat their local rivals by 24 goals to 21.  Both matches were extremely closely fought, with saves being as celebrated as the goals themselves.  

It was fast-paced, end-to-end stuff, with goals and high-fives galore.  I don't know if it's the same with the men's game, but I've never witnessed sportspeople shoving each other to the ground one minute, then hugging like BFFs the next.  There was no diving, no-one grabbing their right leg like they'd been shot when they'd actually fallen on their left arm, and no arguing with the ref.  It was good, clean, full contact fun.  

As much as I like the fact Britain's an island because I like ferry journeys and the seaside's never all that far away, I feel like this brilliant sport might have made it across the Channel already had it not been full of water.  I checked out the world standings on the International Handball Federation's website; would you like to know who's above us?  EVERYONE, because we don't even rank.  I hope that this sport does start to catch on, because I've got a serious handball crush now.  I'm totally going to put posters up on my wall and write handball's name all over my homework diary.  You should too.

For the nitty gritty of the rules, as well as details on how you can save our nation by getting involved in this epic sport, check out the British Handball website here.

Cuban vaulting pole suffers career-ending injury

Cuban pole vault record-holder and awesome name-haver Lazaro Borges caught a lucky break in this morning's qualification round at the Olympic Stadium.

Borges' pole, already known on the athletics circuit for its attention-seeking antics and melodramatic demeanour, decided to seize its chance for global fame and exploded into three separate pieces. As you can see here, all three pieces missed its owner as he landed safely on the mat.  

The broken pole will be sadly missed - not least by Borges, who failed to qualify for the final when forced to resort to his more stoical and deeply uninspiring stand-in pole. We salute its opportunistic bid for immortality, and can only convey our best wishes for its next incarnation in the arms of a Venetian gondolier.

SPECIAL REPORT: Olympic archery!

Here at Sporting Owl towers, we're trying our very best to keep you abreast of all the action at London 2012.

To that end, we've rounded up the finest writers in the universe and gently cajoled them into reporting back on a range of Olympic sports. In the first of what we hope will be a regular series, here's Kenny the Nuthatch's exclusive and inimitable take on the archery at Lord's.

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So, buoyed by the support of Owl Towers, off I went at Ludicrous O’Clock last Friday morning to Lord’s for the first session of the last day of the men’s archery competition. No-one should arrive at Lord’s at 7:30 in the morning unless they’re playing, and even then that’s a bit debatable. No matter – one of St. John’s Wood’s finest almond croissants in my belly and a short queue to get into the venue. Much banter between Gamesmakers (hello you purple wonderhumans) and into the security queue.  Suddenly perturbed by a soldier from western Scotland asking me in broad Glaswegian to put ‘watches and belts, pal’ into the scanner. Briefly concerned that I am so tired I’ve accidentally ended up in Finland. Thankfully not. Into Lord’s (I know what it looks like) but concerned that half the audience are doing their trousers up given that armed Scotsmen made us all hand over our waist support.

A cup of Olympic Fairtrade coffee (terrible, but better than the slop served at the ‘City of Coventry Stadium’) and then off to find my seat. A nice Gamesmaker points me towards the stand that has been erected on the infield at Lord’s, then I wander across the turf (holiest of all cricketing places, can’t normally get on the field for all the money on Earth, and I’m just titting around on it) and climb very high to my seat.

And then, after the stands fill and a large Korean and Chinese contingent arrive, some archery occurs. It’s pretty rapid, with a match scoring system based on 2 points for having the higher score after 3 arrows each, or 1 point each if scores are tied after 3 arrows. If, after 5 sets, the scores are equal, it comes down to a shoot-off: each archer fires 1 arrow, the one with the highest score wins. Suddenest of sudden death. Though not as sudden as death could have been for the Gamesmakers whose job it is to meander back to the archers with arrows that have been pulled from the targets. Dimly wander in the wrong direction and it’s William Tell O’Clock. Bummer.

Great Britain’s Larry Godfrey (the Kevin Pietersen of archery) shot first, went to a shoot-off and was sadly beaten by an earnest, pleasant man from somewhere east of the Olympic Park (I forget where). Then lots of matches happened very, very fast. Great Australian lad lost gallantly on the last arrow of normal time, then came back after and met all the fans. He was awesome and deserves our support. The 15-year old Moldovan chap who is the future of archery, apparently, was sadly beaten by a slightly overweight Korean gentleman who looked rather embarrassed to have won. Essentially I came away thinking that archery was peculiarly marvellous, but thinking that IOC kimchi rolls would have sold in substantial quantities in the Lord’s catering stands.

To come, a very short introduction to basketball and my gibbering wonder-drool at the utter WONDER of the Olympic Park in Stratford, together with my active concern for a Dizzee Rascal lookalike who continually exhorted me to MAKE SOME NOOIIIIISSSSSSEEEEE. But that’s for another day...

Tamas Lorincz throws his coach: our highlight of day 11 at the Olympics

Picture the suspiciously specific scene.  You're a Greco-Roman wrestler in the semi-final of the men's 66kg category at the Olympics.  You've just caused a bit of an upset by defeating your fancied Georgian opponent, and you've guaranteed yourself at least a silver medal.

How do you celebrate?  Well, if you're Tamas Lorincz, you wander over to your hefty coach, fake to accept his congratulatory hug and throw him over your head to the wrestling mat!  Since we couldn't find any video or free pictures, we apologetically offer these linked photos by way of proof.

Step 1: the throw

Step 2: the aftermath

Tamas sadly lost his gold medal bout later in the day.  We can only hope that bringing cheer to an owl (and, er, a well-deserved silver medal) will provide some comfort.

The Sporting Owl #4

After taking a long weekend, the Owl is back with musings on the British gold rush, and Tom provides an eyewitness report on the Greco-Roman wrestling.  Ria takes her first turn as question master in another exciting game of 'Olympic True or False' before butchering Grenada's national anthem (sorry, Kirani James).

Water palaver for German merman: feckless Feck smacks back, excites sciatic aquatic dramatics fanatics

Germany's gloriously named Stephan Feck failed to qualify for the 3m springboard diving final with no little style - check out his spectacular splashdown on the BBC website here (we did have it embedded but apparently the IOC and YouTube aren't friends).  He certainly picked the right time to show off his signature reverse belly-flop with three and a half arrrrghs.


We're convinced he must be a big fan of Greg Louganis...

A quick guide to keirin racing

We've reached the final day of competition at the velodrome, and there are still medals up for grabs in the men's keirin, women's sprint and women's omnium events.  Victoria Pendleton is chasing her second gold medal of these Games and has reached the semi-final stage of her quest to retain her Olympic sprint title - you can still find our handy guide to the sprint here.  Meanwhile, world and Olympic champion Sir Chris Hoy is the favourite for the keirin and has safely qualified for the second round.  We've dug up and dusted off our hypothetical moron to help explain the finer points of the keirin for you.

Hello again!  I've really enjoyed watching all these British stars at the velodrome, and I saw Victoria Pendleton win the women's keirin a few days ago.  Not for the first time, I didn't have a clue what was happening.  Help!

OK, calm down!  What do you want to know?

Well, what does keirin mean, for starters?  I think I drank a beer called keirin once.  Is it named after that?  Do they all get drunk first?

Keirin just means "racing wheels" in Japanese.  The beer is called Kirin, and it's named after some kind of mythical deer-dragon-unicorn chimaera.  Racing wheels.   Mythical deer-dragon-unicorn chimaera.  Racing wheels.  Mythical deer-dragon-unicorn chimaera.  Two different things.  Got it?

I think so.  But if it's a Japanese pastime, where are the teenage girls and the octopus?

Er.  Yes.  I'm not sure.  If it helps, you can imagine them watching excitedly from the stands.

Oh, it does help, trust me.  *awkward pause*  So... what's the basic set-up in a keirin race?

The race lasts eight laps or 2,000 metres, and the winner is the rider who crosses the finish line first.  On the start line, six riders line up across the track in positions determined by drawing lots.  As the starting gun fires a motorized pacing bike called a Derny rides past the start line at a speed of 30km/h, and the riders set off and form a straight line behind it.  The Derny gradually increases the pace until it reaches its top speed of 50km/h, and pulls off the track with about 600 metres to go.

It might help to think of a keirin race as being divided into two separate phases.  In the first phase, the riders line up behind the Derny and try to secure the best position to apply their chosen tactics for the final sprint.  In the second phase, the Derny pulls off and the riders start to sprint for the finish line.

How does the first phase of the race work then?  Can the riders overtake the Derny?

The riders can't overtake the Derny, but they can overtake each other.  The positions of the riders in the line behind the Derny will primarily be determined by any extra acceleration that they decide to apply in riding away from the start line.  Once the riders have lined up behind the Derny, it's quite difficult (but by no means impossible) to overtake another rider without doing so dangerously and breaking the rules.  Trying and failing to overtake could also mean that the rider ends up further back down the line than they started as gaps are quickly closed by the other riders.  Riders will often leave little gaps in the line to give themselves more room for manoeuvre (so they can respond to attacks from behind or put more effort into their own attacks later in the race), but any such gap cannot exceed 10 metres.  Most riders prefer to ride in the first few places behind the Derny, but Chris Hoy for one has consistently shown that keirin races can be won from anywhere.  The tension slowly builds as the pace of the Derny increases, and reaches a crescendo as it pulls off the track.

How does the race change when the Derny pulls off?

Once the Derny pulls off, the proper racing begins and the riders sprint for the finish line.  There are two main dangers that the riders will be keen to avoid.  The first is getting stuck on the inside of the track surrounded by other riders and not being able to start their final sprint at the crucial moment.  The second is getting stuck at the back of the pack and being forced to take a longer route around the other riders.  At these speeds, either problem could cost a rider any chance of winning a medal, so careful positioning is vital.

Does that mean that the best strategy is to ride immediately behind the Derny and start sprinting flat out as soon as the Derny leaves?

Not necessarily, no.  Some riders with better sprint endurance than their rivals might try this - Chris Hoy might well do so tonight.  However, as we explained for the sprint event (and as Anna Meares showed in the women's keirin final), this is a high-risk approach as the rider creates a slipstream which their rivals could use to launch an attack if they can catch up.   Just like the sprint, there's no one-size-fits-all strategy that will always work best.  No rider would use the same strategy for every race, not least because their rivals would know exactly what to expect.

Could we see thrills and spills?  I like thrills and spills!

In a word, YES.  With six sprinters jockeying for position at up to 75km/h on a sloped track, it's not surprising that crashes, relegations and disqualifications are very common in keirin racing.  The riders will often be forced to use their shoulders and elbows to defend their position, and the slightest touch of wheels could unceremoniously scatter the whole field across the track.  It's a much more physical event than you might expect, and anything can happen.

Chris Hoy is by no means guaranteed to stay upright, let alone to win his record-breaking sixth Olympic gold.  If we had fingers, we'd be crossing them hard.  But if all goes to plan, Britain might well end the day with a staggering total of eight golds from ten track cycling events.

Photographic evidence of the Sporting Owl's Olympic escapades

As you may know, the Owl has been out and about at a few of the Olympics events.  Here's our bird's-eye view of badminton at Wembley Arena, handball at the Copper Box and Greco-Roman wrestling at Excel, plus a few snaps from the Olympic Park.  Enjoy!

A quick guide to the track cycling sprint

The track cycling is well underway at the Olympic velodrome, and, judging by all the questions we've received, it's got you all thoroughly baffled.  We've probably left it too late to fully explain the omnium, as we'd have needed to start several weeks before the Olympics.  But the sprint competitions and men's keirin are still going on.  Taking the sprint event first, this is what you need to know.

Jason Kenny rides for Great Britain against multiple world champion Gregory Baugé in the gold medal race of the sprint competition in the next few minutes - so you'll want to pay attention to see whether Kenny can win Britain's 18th gold of these games!  Meanwhile, Victoria Pendleton is progressing smoothly through the women's draw and should be battling for gold tomorrow.

Let's start at the beginning.  In the sprint, the two riders are drawn in lanes - one in the sprinter's lane near the inside of the track, and the other higher up.  For simplicity's sake, we'll call them the top and bottom riders.  The starting position for the bottom rider is slightly further forward than that of the top rider, so they will be expected to lead out the race.  Simply put, the first rider to cross the line at the end of three laps wins the sprint.  It's a "best of three" format at this late stage of the competition, so the first rider to win two sprints will take gold.  Both Kenny and Baugé won their semi-final rounds 2-0.

While the format of the event is very straightforward, the tactics are a little more complicated.  There are no restrictions as to when a rider can start to ride at full speed, so you might expect that either or both riders would choose to ride the full three laps flat out, challenging the other to respond.  However, just like athletics, sprinters are not usually built to maintain speed over long distances, and this would be a very risky strategy because the responding rider could use the other's slipstream to catch up and eventually overtake.  Bear in mind that riding in the slipstream of another rider can reduce the effort required by up to 50%.

Instead, you're much more likely to see the riders play a drawn-out game of cat and mouse.  Apart from the effect of slipstreaming, the two crucial points to keep in mind are that riding around the centre of the track means covering a shorter distance, and that using the shape of the velodrome by swinging down from the top of the track will increase a rider's speed.

Let's look at tactics in a little more detail.   It's impossible to say what the "best" tactic would be for any given race, so we can only try to explain how a typical race might shape up.  The bottom rider will usually ride most of the first two laps looking over their shoulder to keep an eye on their opponent.   The top rider will try to sneakily gain as much height as they can compared to their opponent, in order to increase the burst of acceleration they can produce when they eventually decide to start their sprint by swooping down.  The bottom rider will try to mark the top rider's moves by staying close to them.  The bottom rider can try to force the top rider's hand by steering them up to the top of the track as slowly as possible, removing any possibility that the top rider could swoop down and capture the initiative by overtaking.  Equally, if they see that the top rider is hanging back to give themselves more room to work with, the bottom rider could put in an early burst of speed to try to gain an advantage over the top rider.  In an ideal world, the top rider would manage to start their sprint while the bottom rider's back is turned, giving them a slight advantage and propelling them to take the shortest and quickest route around the track.

Without going into technical detail, it's worth remembering that riders can be disqualified for bumping and barging each other to try to secure a better position on the track.  However, you might still see the bottom rider sticking their elbows out to make themselves a slightly bigger obstacle, as the margins in this event are so small that this can decisively increase the distance that the top rider would need to cover to overtake.  Crashes do happen, and when they happen at this speed, they happen hard.

The sprint will usually start with a little over a lap to go.  As soon as either rider puts in a decisive acceleration, the other must respond as quickly as they can.  At that point, it's a straight race to glory at the finish line.  With races frequently decided by photo finishes and thousandths of a second, this is definitely the most exciting event to watch at the velodrome.  So tune in, don't blink, and enjoy it while it lasts!

He's 70 and he knows it: Hiroshi Hoketsu rides again

Septuagenarian Hiroshi Hoketsu seems to be enjoying his time in London.  "So what?", we hear you cry.  "Another slow-moving elderly tourist blocking our Tube exits and documenting every insignificant second of his trip with his unnecessarily professional camera?  Who cares?"  Well, he isn't, and you should.  Because Hoketsu-san is COMPETING AT THE OLYMPIC GAMES.

Let's try to put that in context.  You probably know someone older than 50, right?  Are they competing at the Olympics?  ARE THEY?!  No.  They're not.  And if either you or they think they are, stop reading this and seek professional help.

Let's try to put that in context a bit better and with a little less shouting.  Hiroshi Hoketsu first competed at the Olympics in Tokyo in 1964, finishing 40th in showjumping.  He finished ninth in team dressage and 35th in individual dressage as the oldest competitor at Beijing 2008.  When he first competed at the Olympics, we hadn't landed on the moon or invented the internet.  When he first competed at the Olympics, Roy Orbison's "Oh, Pretty Woman" topped the charts and there were only two Bond films.   When he first competed at the Olympics, Elvis was thin.  And alive.

Taking part in the individual dressage on Saturday - not as a novelty, not out of pity or sympathy, but having qualified by right - Hoketsu-san and his horse Whisper apparently finished a very respectable 17th out of 25.  We say "apparently" because dressage is far too boring for owls to watch safely.  Still, if he competes again in Rio, he'll break a record set in 1920 and become the oldest Olympian ever.  If he achieves that feat at the frankly inconceivable age of 75, we hope you'll join us in quietly raising a warm ceramic cup of sake in his honour.   Kampai.

And the award for best Olympic analysis goes to: Samuel L. Jackson?!

Samuel L. Jackson is our new favourite Olympic commentator.

He seems to have taken a short sabbatical from wrangling snakes and quoting silly Bible passages for narrative convenience.  For two weeks, he's a patriotic superfan jacked up on wall-to-wall sport and he's not afraid to nail his colours to the mast.  Take a look at these highlights from his verified Twitter account and see for yourself.


"PHELPS WALKS em' DOWN!!! Came & got that ASS! OLYMPIC RULER!! Last race Maggie!! MOSTMUFFAQUATICPFUQQAH of ALL TIME! GOLD!!! Go USA!"


"Awwwright!!! We bout to get some fairer sex IRON RAISIN'!"


"Men's Rapid Fire Pistol is Off da Chain! The glasses, da Gats...no Recoil! Steady hands & nobody's holdin' their shit SIDEWAYS!"


"SERENA WINS GOLD!!!! Bizzy cleaning off the toe of her shoe afta kicking ALL that Sharapova ass! Go USA!"


"Dog eat Dog Ping Pong match! Ball scrapes edge of the table, blind Judge blows the call! Dude won Anyway! China vs China."


"Now hold up, the Russian girl FELL OFF the Beam, Ally stayed up...Bronze for....WTF?! Tim's prolly happy, jeez all up in that Russian Ass!"


"Well, sometimes the Weights fight back! Chinese champion OUT!! Weight Wasn't Even trying to be Lifted!!"


"Women's 8 HiOctane rowing! Coxswain looks like a hype gig! GOLD ALL AROUND! Go USA!!"


"Awrite, who knows the rules in this Handball shit?! It's fast & furious though!"


"WAIT A MINUTE! WTF?! Badfuqqinminton players tossed for THROWING games?! Really? Strategy My Ass! World Class WUSSES!!!"


Our personal favourite?  No muthafuggling contest.


"Like I said before, those BRITS are some PEDALIN', RECORD BREAKIN', MUTHACYCLINPHUCCAS!! Congrats UK!"

Federer foreverever(er): why we can't support Andy Murray tomorrow

Here at Sporting Owl towers, we're huge fans of British sport and we've cheered all our athletes relentlessly throughout these first eight days of Olympic competition. Despite our inclination toward cynicism and snark, we're so proud to see our little islands standing tall in third place on the medal table - notwithstanding that it can't possibly last once Russia starts hoovering up athletics gold like a magnetic anteater. To have won ten gold medals already is a staggering achievement for our country.

There is, however, one event where we're desperately hoping that Britain will not win. That's right: NOT win. Or lose, if you prefer. Do feel free to imagine us descending to a hushed whisper at this point as we dodge raging lynch mobs with customised pitchforks made of souvenir Olympic torches strapped together with leftover Jubilee bunting. That event is the men's singles tennis.

Roger Federer and Andy Murray have battled through to the final with equal measures of skill and determination. We've been quite taken aback by all the evidence that the tennis multimillionaires competing at London 2012 actually do care about the Olympics. We'd always believed that Olympic gold was seen by top tennis players as a bonus ranking a distant fifth below the four Grand Slam tournaments in their ambitions for each Olympic year. However, it's hard to sustain that belief in the face of the two longest matches in Olympic tennis history, with Jo-Wilfried Tsonga scraping past future star Milos Raonic 25-23 in the deciding set and Federer himself edging out Juan Martin del Potro 19-17 in their semi-final clash. So let's answer that question once and for all: these players are desperate to win Olympic gold.

One man has more reason than most to crave victory, and not just because it's his birthday on Wednesday. Roger Federer has won almost everything there is to win in his chosen sport. He was ranked number one in the world at junior level, won junior Wimbledon in singles and doubles and has since won 17 Grand Slam singles titles, six Tour finals and Olympic doubles gold in Beijing. He's topped the world tennis rankings for almost 300 weeks throughout his career, regaining that mantle at the grand old age of 30 by winning his record-equalling seventh Wimbledon title last month. His graceful single-handed backhand is a baroque masterpiece which for a decade has embellished and illuminated a sport now dominated by prosaic power and stamina. Federer is the greatest sportsman of his generation, outstripping the achievements of Tiger Woods and Michael Jordan on and off the court with consummate ease and elegance. There's just one thing missing from his unprecedented resumé: an Olympic singles gold medal. Tomorrow he can put that right.

While we felt his histrionics at the Wimbledon final were a little selfish in light of Federer's achievements, we do have a bit of a soft spot for Andy Murray - honest. It's just here, right below our left wing. We're very glad he's made it to the final (especially after his lamentable performance in Beijing), and we're excited to see him scything through the mixed doubles draw with Laura Robson. We fervently hope he comes away from London 2012 with two well-deserved medals round his neck, and we'd love to see him capture Olympic singles gold in Rio. But try as we might, we can't bring ourselves to cheer for him tomorrow. While Federer is the benchmark against which all future champions will be judged, we can only imagine Andy Murray being remembered in 30 years as the answer to an obscure pub quiz question.

So it's a heartfelt ALLEZ ROGER! from the Owl. Because we've loved watching him play for twelve years. Because he deserves this. Because he's simply the best.