Having stared intently into our crystal ball for your edification, we posted our Premier League predictions on our Twitter feed yesterday afternoon. Just in case you missed them, here's a quick recap.
Arsenal - Arsene Wenger refuses to risk coming out of his meticulously-constructed pillow fort. Nelson Vivas replaces him
Aston Villa - players and fans unable to cope with blinking emergence from ennui cocoon. Rash of suicides hampers cup run. 9th
Chelsea - bench-warmers David Luiz and Frank Lampard develop intuitive bond and tour the world with their knife-throwing act
Everton - clerical error causes David Moyes to be sold to raise funds for Moyes to invest. Moyes buys himself back in January
Fulham - Clint Dempsey unmasked as gruesome serial killer terrorising well-to-do West London. FA suspends him for four games
Liverpool - Brendan Rodgers uses loophole to sell Andy Carroll into slavery between transfer windows. Hailed as masterstroke
Man City - Samir Nasri retires to concentrate on organic honey farming. No-one notices. Nasri: "I love bees. They speak to me"
Man Utd - misunderstanding with Asian marketing strategists sees players' feet bound and Rafael killed to save his brother
Newcastle - the club is nationalised. Consequent overemployment causes controversy as Alan Pardew uses 73 players in one match
Norwich - iconic scenes as Chris Hughton celebrates another "unlucky" sacking. "This is everything I could have hoped for"
QPR - Joey Barton's loan unleashes closet academics. Clint Hill publishes treatise advocating adherence to Hegelian dialectic
Reading - Pavel Pogrebnyak blames addiction to stamp collecting for loss of focus after relegation. "Philately got me nowhere"
Southampton - star Gaston Ramirez emigrates on finding that capybaras are not native to England. "I cannot live without them"
Spurs - hopes of European place dashed after Gareth Bale accidentally reports himself fit to play a qualifying match for Wales
Stoke - questions asked as Ryan Shawcross eats Ashley Young. Tony Pulis: "It was an accident. He's not that kind of player"
Sunderland - Martin O'Neill improves attacking options by signing a statue of Emile Heskey and a beach ball. League Cup glory
Swansea - Michel Vorm loses focus after being installed as First Minister of Wales in a bloodless coup. Difficult 2nd season
West Brom - new manager Steve Clarke attributes mid-table finish to team spirit generated by vigorous homoerotic calisthenics
West Ham - Sam Allardyce's belief system rocked as world fails to end. "If the Mayans were wrong, maybe we should try passing"
Wigan - Dave Whelan unrepentant as Wigan survive by hiding mines and trapdoors in their pitch. "Home advantage is crucial"
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